How many of you are in relationships?
I’m talking about all relationships by the way. Many of us are in relationships whether with spouses, children, coworkers, siblings, you name it! Think about a time when maybe you spoke when you could have listened, or given advice when no advice was needed. I 100% have been in that position both on the giving and recieving end, and you know what that’s ok because we are human, and we are trying to figure out this whole humaning thing. I’m talking about the topic of listening today because I believe the more we listen and hear what is happening around us, the more productive conversations can be. You see it’s not always about being the first to speak, it’s not about getting the last word in, it’s about stopping and making sure people feel heard and valued.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Steve Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Now as humans, many of us go into problem-solving mode. When someone is going through a challenging situation we immediately want to solve it and help them out of it. However, that may not be what they need at that moment. In fact when showing up for people in crisis sometimes saying nothing is the most powerful thing we can do.
Instead, try responding with “How can I support you, do you need solutions or a shoulder?”
Or let’s say you are the person going through that hard thing…you can advocate for yourself and say “Hey I need to vent about something, but I don’t want solutions right now, I need to process.” I recently read somewhere that someone being patient is one of the softest forms of love. This also goes for trying to force individuals to think positively during situations of suck, grief, and turmoil. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe strongly in the power of positive thinking, but also believe there is a balance. There is the willingness to ignore a hard situation and act like everything is fine, and then there is the ability to say
“Wow this situation is hard as hell. It may feel impossible now, but I will make it through.”
In fact, one of the most powerful pieces of advice I had ever received was, in hard times urging people to stay positive doesn’t boost their resilience it denies their reality. Sometimes the best thing we can truly do is sit in the suck with people and just be the nonjudgemental ear. People are resilient they will figure out what to do.
People in pain don’t need good vibes only. They need a steady hand through all the vibrations. Strength doesn’t come from forced smiles it comes from being supported.
Adam grant organizational psychologist
So how can we take these skills into this vast world of chaos, and help people feel seen and heard? If you are like me, you may not get it right every time. you won’t, it takes practice to be a good listener, it takes effort to see, hear, and support someone. It also takes humility to say, hey I should have given you space to speak before I inserted my opinion. Talk about helping people feel seen! Frankly, it takes healing and intentional work on yourself to be able to give space to others.
So what are some tips and tricks that can help you be an active listener + build relationships at the same time? Here are some things I do.
- Listening to what is important to people. Especially people you are around A LOT! Hear what they are talking about, is it their kids? Pets, etc? For example, when I was a classroom teacher, I would get asked all the time how I maintained behavior in my classroom. I would get asked about classroom management, or how to build a positive climate. Guess what, I’d learn the names of my kid’s pets! Or their favorite Pokemon, Marvel superhero, or yes learn the Tik-Toc dance (which always enlisted my fearless vulnerability!) Why? Because it shows that you give a hoot! It shows that you listen, you care, you remember what’s important to them. This is not just for teachers, by the way, this is for ANYONE! Let’s be real adults are just giant baby humans needing to be seen, heard, and loved too!
- Take notes on your people! No seriously. I’m going to share a life hack with you…If you go into your contacts on your phone, click a person’s name. There is a notes section. When something is shared that is important to them, write it down. For example, I have a coworker who has a favorite florist, I wrote that florist down in my notes and have used her and have gotten to know her, and she is a brilliant human! Guess what it’s the little things! Listen, if someone is a Star Wars fan and you find a darn Star Wars sticker… grab it and stick it on a note card and write them a thank you note! Also, did you know that you can send Starbucks gift cards through text?
- Listen, helping people feel seen, heard, and loved doesn’t have to be anything materialistic either. You don’t have to spend a dime! Sometimes it’s just sending a message that says, hey you popped into my mind today, checking in! Or sometimes it’s just giving someone a little extra time to point out that you love their energy and let them know how important they are to you.
The whole idea is being somebody who makes everyone feel like somebody! At the core of every human being is a need to feel seen, heard, and appreciated. When we make others feel like somebody, we’re affirming their worth and affirming their sense of belonging. This not only strengthens our connections with others but also contributes to a more compassionate and inclusive society.
Write that on a Post-it and stick it by your front door so you read it every time you leave. Reminding you to be a light. Let’s create environments where people feel valued, respected, and heard.